My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Randomize
