would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize