I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Dignity is for republicans.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
Randomize
