my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
