i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
