Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
I still have a little drunk in my system
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Randomize
