you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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