Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Randomize
