This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
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