youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
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