The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
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