I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
