things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
I don't �care how much you're grieving �a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.�
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
