My boss' voice literally gives me gas
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
