Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Randomize
