There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
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