Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
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