i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
Randomize