tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Randomize
