the condom got lost in my hair
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
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