Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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