census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
