my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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