hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Randomize
