i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
I just found a bag of teeth...
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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