remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
