i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Megan Fox is the only woman I would let pee on me.
I'm similar. She's the only woman I'd ask to pee on me.
Ok yeah you're right. I'd ASK Megan Fox to pee on me. I'd ALLOW Erin Andrews to pee on me if she asked.
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
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