Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
Randomize
