just tell him i said nine months
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
We need to rekindle our bromance
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
You are the jesus of drinking
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
