is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
Randomize
