the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
there is another microwave in the elevator.
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