I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
Randomize
