I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
