Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
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