How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
