Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Randomize
