I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
