i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
Randomize
