I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
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