A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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