Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize