I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
farters have to be the big spoon...
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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