I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
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