i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
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