my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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