Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
accomplished twins. life is a go
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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