Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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