So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
Jake was my 1st thought but I seriously thought u already did him... & then there's the getting the clap story... so I settled on Ben for my guess.
I have done Jake, not Ben. But this was fresh meat. And P.S. it was ghonnerea.
Ahh, yes. It's apparently too early in the morning to keep your partners and their std's straight.
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
