her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
Randomize
