i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
Randomize
