She just used a chaser for red wine.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Randomize
