Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
