Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
