i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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