I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
i need to put some appletini on your dick
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Randomize
