I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
Randomize
